My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
