Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
