Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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