I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
