my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
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she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
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There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place