I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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