ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Life is so much better after having sex.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
