i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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