the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
