my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
