I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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