I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize