I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
