My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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