Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
