If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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