Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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