grandma shit on top of the toilet
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
