Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
