nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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