I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I said "one day" and that day is not today
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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