I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
