after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Panties = found
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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