i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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