Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize