The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You need a sexual gate keeper
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
