Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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