Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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