Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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