You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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