the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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