I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
