hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
