i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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