Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
