It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
