So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
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you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
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He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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