grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
