I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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