I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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