I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
