I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
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You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
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Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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