you guys were way drunker than both of me
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
