11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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