So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
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as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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