Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
birth control should be required to get into college
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
