didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
