The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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