And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
