My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
