look no pants
You can't motorboat a personality
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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