I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
This house was built for laser tag.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
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They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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