so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
