Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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